Don't let them die for nothing
by MissJaneHolmes
Summary: *Warning contains Mass Effect 2 and 3 spoilers* Now he's gone Shepard finally admits her feelings for Kaidan.Set after the Mars misson in ME3.Decided to take the story in a different direction.


Personal Data Pad – Commander Jane Shepard

Date 22 April 2185

God I feel stupid typing this. The psychologist that Anderson assigned me to said "_I should express my feelings in a controlled way" _She said "_It was to help me cope with this distressing situation" _Stupid shrink. She speaks as if she doesn't think I know how to cope with losing a crew member, I'm a soldier for Gods sakes – I've suffered enough losses to last a lifetime. Then again, Kaidan Alenko wasn't just a crew member; he was a friend and at times maybe more. Now I understand how he felt when I 'died'. He said to me "_Losing you tore me apart". _Well Kai, now I'm the one being torn apart. Every time I close my eyes I relive the last time I saw you clinically alive. I rushed off of the Normandy following the stretcher that carried you but they whisked you away behind a set of doors and said I had to attend a meeting about dealing with the Reapers. As if I could have dealt with making galaxy saving decisions at a time like that. I told them (rather forcefully) I was going to see you first. When I finally made it to the Huetra Memorial Hospital, I rushed down the corridors, stuff diplomacy and following the rules I just had to see you. When I finally did I just stood there, staring. You lay on the metal bed, the many bruises on your face illuminated by the light shining in through the one glass wall. Your face was turned away from me, your eyes closed. I didn't know then they would never open again. I spoke to you even though I had no idea if you cold hear me. I told you, you had to fight and that was an order. I guess you were never really one for following my orders.

Another thing I can't seem to forget is that time on Horizon, you were so angry with me because of the whole Cerberus thing and I'm sorry now I didn't handle our conversation better. You were right in the end anyway. The email you sent me afterwards meant so much. You never were good with words but I always knew what you meant so it never made any difference to me. When you asked me if that night on Horizon meant as much me as it did to you? Yes. It did. And your bravery the next day when we faced impossible odds meant the most. Help me Kai, I need your strength now, I don't know what to do.

Ashley was in my dream last night and I woke up thinking about when we lost her. It's similar to this except it's not. I'm alone in my grief this time, last time I had you. That's another one of my damn regrets, we needed to talk about Ashley but I pushed you when I should have been holding you closer than ever. We both blamed ourselves for Ash's death and talking about it was far too painful. But that's no excuse, I'm so sorry.

The whole universe is depending on me to make decisions to lead, how can I do that when I can't even sort out my own feelings? I know I feel grief, a gut wrenching torment that overwhelms me, stops me thinking and functioning normally. Then there's anger, you were so loyal to the Alliance and they just let you die. I also feel anger at myself. When I died I was given a second chance, a chance you will never get. If I die in this battle people will remember me, you are just another name on the list of the dead to them, but not to me. I'm angry also at the fact I never said all the things I wanted to – So I'm going to say them now.

Kaidan Alenko, I love you and I always will, I'm so sorry that I never told you but I live on in the hope that deep down you knew it anyway. I always imagined us dying side by side in the glory of our final battle. I don't want to face the reapers without you Kai and there are times I think I just can't. But then I remember the advice I give all the men and women under my command when they lose someone. 'Turn the grief into anger; don't let them die for nothing'. And now I find myself following my own advice. The Reapers took you from me Kai and its time they paid the price.

Rest in Peace Brave Soldier.

End


End file.
